Haiku Self Harm
Haiku Self Harm by Toni Cairns
So much to say about this Haiku.
If only I were able psychologically analyse myself well enough, that I could offer up reasonable explanations as to why I self harm, but I cant. I've considered it very carefully and on and off for years, as to why I might do it & here are some of my personal thoughts..
(I will get back to the type of mental anguish and pain I've suffered another time.)
The act of causing body physical pain will distract my mind from its focus upon my mental pain & anguish.
Everythin is 2 much & I hit breakin point cant cope or handle more pain, I've had enough, so I slide the sharp razor like a shard of glass across my arm, then it can hurt like an electric shock jolt & snap me back in the room
Or the razor is fresh new it's sharpness cuts like a hot knife in butter, cool as ice almost painless. The sensation distracts me from the place I was at, so I continue to cut lines with the desire for more of that pleasure found in a place of distraction away from my problems.
An important aspect to self harm is control factor, it gives me an element of power over myself temporarily, whereas typically I lack control over my mind.
I have strangely self harmed when feeling almost calm yet on auto pilot, I'm dazed tranced out, in a dream like state & I've gone through the preparatory measures & cut myself in a very controlled fashion, with swabs & bandages ready, then the cutting wakes me up from the trance like state.
Stop factor, I want my head to stop going around in circles, as I cut I feel a sensation of relief, and release from my mind's carousel ride. It's as if I can breath again, after having an extreme panic attack the blind panic stops.
A strange element of self harm when cutting with a razor, is feeling satisfaction as the blood slowly pours out from the cuts. The sight of blood can leave me enjoying it with a sense of relief & a feeling of satisfaction, or the opposite it can cause panic anxiety & fear. I believe connected to human evolution & survival extinct, Im alive I feel good!
A twisted element is the pleasure of feeling pain.
Scars are an important personal message, portraying to others that the level of mental anguish you have felt in your life is massive, I suppose depending on the type and amount of scars you have.
Self punishment.
Etc...
I've ran out of space and so I may add some more points later or continue writing else where..... Maybe I should write a book 😬
If only I were able psychologically analyse myself well enough, that I could offer up reasonable explanations as to why I self harm, but I cant. I've considered it very carefully and on and off for years, as to why I might do it & here are some of my personal thoughts..
(I will get back to the type of mental anguish and pain I've suffered another time.)
The act of causing body physical pain will distract my mind from its focus upon my mental pain & anguish.
Everythin is 2 much & I hit breakin point cant cope or handle more pain, I've had enough, so I slide the sharp razor like a shard of glass across my arm, then it can hurt like an electric shock jolt & snap me back in the room
Or the razor is fresh new it's sharpness cuts like a hot knife in butter, cool as ice almost painless. The sensation distracts me from the place I was at, so I continue to cut lines with the desire for more of that pleasure found in a place of distraction away from my problems.
An important aspect to self harm is control factor, it gives me an element of power over myself temporarily, whereas typically I lack control over my mind.
I have strangely self harmed when feeling almost calm yet on auto pilot, I'm dazed tranced out, in a dream like state & I've gone through the preparatory measures & cut myself in a very controlled fashion, with swabs & bandages ready, then the cutting wakes me up from the trance like state.
Stop factor, I want my head to stop going around in circles, as I cut I feel a sensation of relief, and release from my mind's carousel ride. It's as if I can breath again, after having an extreme panic attack the blind panic stops.
A strange element of self harm when cutting with a razor, is feeling satisfaction as the blood slowly pours out from the cuts. The sight of blood can leave me enjoying it with a sense of relief & a feeling of satisfaction, or the opposite it can cause panic anxiety & fear. I believe connected to human evolution & survival extinct, Im alive I feel good!
A twisted element is the pleasure of feeling pain.
Scars are an important personal message, portraying to others that the level of mental anguish you have felt in your life is massive, I suppose depending on the type and amount of scars you have.
Self punishment.
Etc...
I've ran out of space and so I may add some more points later or continue writing else where..... Maybe I should write a book 😬
By Toni Cairns
(c)2019.
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