66 Years You've Been Gone Guardian Angel
Guardian Angels
I will not quit even though my life is difficult and my road seems to twist and turn with new troubles on a daily basis.
I will fight, I will try to overcome my inner weaknesses and I will try to release my troubled mind from the pain that which on a daily basis tries to steal away my breath and needed oxygen.
2020 is a time so very different from the 1974 year I was born in.
Undoubtedly almost killing my loving mother and I.
I'm lost from ever knowing the truth of details of what occurred, but I made it through and so did my mother.
There is just no one in the world, in my honest opinion that can love and protect a child like a mother can.
Totally besotted, absolutely lost, whilst also being safely entangled within my mother's apron strings.
Sabrina Rachel Cairns (nee Watson) is an angel whom I will one day dance with in the heavenly clouds.
I've never seen ghosts, and I'm a very literal thinking woman, and although I'm pretty skeptical, mainly because I don't want to be taken for a fool anymore, I'm open minded and willing to listen.
As my daughter has said to me in the past on many occasions 'you must have nine lives', and when she said it, I took some time and have thought it over...
Could there be an element of truth in her beliefs? I mean I sometimes wonder how am I still walking and how am I still alive? Many times against all odds I've beaten something or other?
Radical addictions near life ending
drug addictions after years of injecting myself with heroin, countless abscesses almost all over my body near killed me, sepsis and I recall my GP saying to me 'this is going to kill you if you don't stop'
Medical rarities, waking from a coma
unable to move or do anything for myself, being after a month in hospital learning to wall again, before heading home in a wheel chair, and never regaining my younger one was strength and vigour.
Near fatal car accidents, twice breaking my neck on one occasion, my car hit a round about at about 50-55mph and rolled over twice, that moment was an absolute "oh fuck moment", and will stay with me forever. Like I was told months later by a wife of one of the attending firemen on the night of the crash, he had said afterwards that he could not believe anyone had survived the accident, he was sure it was a fatal car crash after seeing when the battered upside down wreckage...
I will not quit even though my life is difficult and my road seems to twist and turn with new troubles on a daily basis.
I will fight, I will try to overcome my inner weaknesses and I will try to release my troubled mind from the pain that which on a daily basis tries to steal away my breath and needed oxygen.
2020 is a time so very different from the 1974 year I was born in.
Undoubtedly almost killing my loving mother and I.
I'm lost from ever knowing the truth of details of what occurred, but I made it through and so did my mother.
There is just no one in the world, in my honest opinion that can love and protect a child like a mother can.
Totally besotted, absolutely lost, whilst also being safely entangled within my mother's apron strings.
Sabrina Rachel Cairns (nee Watson) is an angel whom I will one day dance with in the heavenly clouds.
I've never seen ghosts, and I'm a very literal thinking woman, and although I'm pretty skeptical, mainly because I don't want to be taken for a fool anymore, I'm open minded and willing to listen.
As my daughter has said to me in the past on many occasions 'you must have nine lives', and when she said it, I took some time and have thought it over...
Could there be an element of truth in her beliefs? I mean I sometimes wonder how am I still walking and how am I still alive? Many times against all odds I've beaten something or other?
Radical addictions near life ending
drug addictions after years of injecting myself with heroin, countless abscesses almost all over my body near killed me, sepsis and I recall my GP saying to me 'this is going to kill you if you don't stop'
Medical rarities, waking from a coma
unable to move or do anything for myself, being after a month in hospital learning to wall again, before heading home in a wheel chair, and never regaining my younger one was strength and vigour.
Near fatal car accidents, twice breaking my neck on one occasion, my car hit a round about at about 50-55mph and rolled over twice, that moment was an absolute "oh fuck moment", and will stay with me forever. Like I was told months later by a wife of one of the attending firemen on the night of the crash, he had said afterwards that he could not believe anyone had survived the accident, he was sure it was a fatal car crash after seeing when the battered upside down wreckage...
About 3 years later a car just didn't indicate, drove straight in front of my car, totally trashed my car, completely wrote it off the road, the engine was so smashed in (yet I was only doing the legal 30mph speed limit just come out of a 20mph), the impact was massive, yet this time when I saw the other driver slumped at his steering wheel, I jumped some how shakingly from my own car to attend to him, whilst onlookers stared ... and did nothing... frantically I shouted to call for an ambulance and police, as they just stood there. Then slowly the other driver came to and I helped him from his vehicle, strange how adrenalin kicks in, the old evolutionary theory and survival instinct! I was whip lashed badly with a sprained neck, shoulder and thumb.
...also other car accidents,
attempts by strangers offering me sweets from the inside of their car,
A near miss with a flasher as a young girl, in my local home village, I was extremely lucky that I cycled hurridly away, yet the next day I found out the man had flashed my friend who lived not far up along the road from myself in the same village, absolutely shocking.
Many extreme physical attacks of violence, and extreme long term mental abuse on multiple occasions encountering many broken bones, and countless bruises etc, for many years, heel on earth basically... but I'm alive to tell the tale.
Almost bleeding to death having a fit, whilst just making it to hospital being very violently sick, because I almost bled out, this was after I very stupidly got drunk whilst in a manic depressive episode, by slicing my arm open with a brand new razor blade! I see now how foolish this was, I almost died.
As a young girl a car knocked me over,
surgeries, one whilst still awake! Trauma hell then for God's wake the nurse offed me paracetamol? Wow...
Hundreds of times my knee caps have slipped out of joint... hypermobility hell.
A hell bound future filled with pain from arthritis, and chronic asthma, and a whole list of other medical conditions... suspected COPD and NEVER SMOKED A SINGLE DAY IN MY LIFE, ALBEIT I BELIEVE I. WAS BORN PREMATURELY.
Including quite a few horrible disabling labeled serious mental health issues... won't list too ashamed to say at the very least, maybe another day I will elaborate...
Years I struggled alone to bring up my two very lovely sensible children
They are my greatest accomplishment by far, as is my most beautiful wonderful gorgeous grandchildren, or grand babies girls!
Combating a life without close friends for so long, I am just unable to keep them, maybe it's troublesome honesty and directness, my literal logically thinking brain and reasoning, my frankness, openness, seriousness and overall honesty, to some maybe I appear like an evil c*nt?
My chronic anxieties prevent me
Ever want a chat ever want some advice then I'll try to help if I'm able to, a world of experiences has left me with varied understandings of multiple things, I'm not saying I'm always right for I know I strive to be but who ever truly can be
Auntie Abstract is here!
Make use of me while I'm still about!
...also other car accidents,
attempts by strangers offering me sweets from the inside of their car,
when I was a very young girl in Stowmarket.
A near miss with a flasher as a young girl, in my local home village, I was extremely lucky that I cycled hurridly away, yet the next day I found out the man had flashed my friend who lived not far up along the road from myself in the same village, absolutely shocking.
Many extreme physical attacks of violence, and extreme long term mental abuse on multiple occasions encountering many broken bones, and countless bruises etc, for many years, heel on earth basically... but I'm alive to tell the tale.
Almost bleeding to death having a fit, whilst just making it to hospital being very violently sick, because I almost bled out, this was after I very stupidly got drunk whilst in a manic depressive episode, by slicing my arm open with a brand new razor blade! I see now how foolish this was, I almost died.
As a young girl a car knocked me over,
surgeries, one whilst still awake! Trauma hell then for God's wake the nurse offed me paracetamol? Wow...
Hundreds of times my knee caps have slipped out of joint... hypermobility hell.
A hell bound future filled with pain from arthritis, and chronic asthma, and a whole list of other medical conditions... suspected COPD and NEVER SMOKED A SINGLE DAY IN MY LIFE, ALBEIT I BELIEVE I. WAS BORN PREMATURELY.
Including quite a few horrible disabling labeled serious mental health issues... won't list too ashamed to say at the very least, maybe another day I will elaborate...
Years I struggled alone to bring up my two very lovely sensible children
They are my greatest accomplishment by far, as is my most beautiful wonderful gorgeous grandchildren, or grand babies girls!
Combating a life without close friends for so long, I am just unable to keep them, maybe it's troublesome honesty and directness, my literal logically thinking brain and reasoning, my frankness, openness, seriousness and overall honesty, to some maybe I appear like an evil c*nt?
My chronic anxieties prevent me
from successfully
taking part in social gatherings, .... And yet some how I'm still going....
I miss the friends I had at times in my earlier life....I don't really know where they all went? And now all I can do is wonder and except that I am not well liked, and that people seem not to like me, well some do for short periods but only to suit themselves, for one reason or another.
When someone else's traumas out weighs the level of their own, people do not know how to contend with it, they like to be the center of attention, they want it all about them.... but when some one almost constantly has had similar traumatic experiences and kind of gets the event or situation, since they been through very similar then people I've met seem to just hate it, because all of a sudden they have lost all of the attention, and I can honestly say that I do not mean to steal it away I'm actually trying to be both empathetic and sympathetic.
I think I've accepted now that is how my life will likely be until my end, and I've learnt a lot about myself over the last few years and I've come to accept that sadly I've been walked all over, no lover ever took me seriously enough that they made any future plans with me. It's apparent to me only now that none of them ever took me seriously...
I've come to see that I've been very nieave and maybe I should have had a carer to watch over me all my life, for I do not really have the capacity to make choices about life, and I'm unable to carry out larger tasks fore I'm totally overcome by even the ideas of doing them, having mini break downs or melt downs, unable to cope.
A child left alone in a confusing world, with no one whom have ever understood me, I've not been away on a real holiday for 33 years, I've lived in the same house since I was 18 that is some 28 years, the mere thought of ever moving is absolutely terrifying so I shut myself away from it, so here I will stay and fight for my right to be a stronger and a more self loving person.
I'll never forget waking
up from a coma in the intensive care unit, after being place on a ventilator, five days until I awoke on the 30th Dec and that day is my daughter's birthday, she was 13 years old that year.
Awoken not knowing where I was, confused , kept choking could not move, fear consumed me, all talk of a year or more in hospital, I was unable to speak for still I had a tracheotomy in my throat..... Covered in loads of different tubes, unable to do anything for myself, unable to hardly move a muscle talk or communicate, I was left at the mercy of loving caregivers at Ipswich Hospital.
Have I a blanket of guardian angels watching over me? I've overcome so much, my life has been a never-ending twisting and turning rollercoaster ride.
No matter I carry on, often my days consume my mind with thoughts that I can no longer go on, and then I remember my young mother aged just 33 years, when she had lost her chance at life taken from her far too early.... when I was 13.
I miss the friends I had at times in my earlier life....I don't really know where they all went? And now all I can do is wonder and except that I am not well liked, and that people seem not to like me, well some do for short periods but only to suit themselves, for one reason or another.
When someone else's traumas out weighs the level of their own, people do not know how to contend with it, they like to be the center of attention, they want it all about them.... but when some one almost constantly has had similar traumatic experiences and kind of gets the event or situation, since they been through very similar then people I've met seem to just hate it, because all of a sudden they have lost all of the attention, and I can honestly say that I do not mean to steal it away I'm actually trying to be both empathetic and sympathetic.
I think I've accepted now that is how my life will likely be until my end, and I've learnt a lot about myself over the last few years and I've come to accept that sadly I've been walked all over, no lover ever took me seriously enough that they made any future plans with me. It's apparent to me only now that none of them ever took me seriously...
I've come to see that I've been very nieave and maybe I should have had a carer to watch over me all my life, for I do not really have the capacity to make choices about life, and I'm unable to carry out larger tasks fore I'm totally overcome by even the ideas of doing them, having mini break downs or melt downs, unable to cope.
A child left alone in a confusing world, with no one whom have ever understood me, I've not been away on a real holiday for 33 years, I've lived in the same house since I was 18 that is some 28 years, the mere thought of ever moving is absolutely terrifying so I shut myself away from it, so here I will stay and fight for my right to be a stronger and a more self loving person.
I'll never forget waking
up from a coma in the intensive care unit, after being place on a ventilator, five days until I awoke on the 30th Dec and that day is my daughter's birthday, she was 13 years old that year.
Awoken not knowing where I was, confused , kept choking could not move, fear consumed me, all talk of a year or more in hospital, I was unable to speak for still I had a tracheotomy in my throat..... Covered in loads of different tubes, unable to do anything for myself, unable to hardly move a muscle talk or communicate, I was left at the mercy of loving caregivers at Ipswich Hospital.
Have I a blanket of guardian angels watching over me? I've overcome so much, my life has been a never-ending twisting and turning rollercoaster ride.
No matter I carry on, often my days consume my mind with thoughts that I can no longer go on, and then I remember my young mother aged just 33 years, when she had lost her chance at life taken from her far too early.... when I was 13.
Then next my only Grandfather dies off cancer I was only 16.
Then I and my only brother at the time, cared dearly for years for our only grandmother, because she suffered with a very early onset of senile dementia, sadly she became a danger to herself and was taken into a care home not far from us, she died when I was 25.
My other grandfather I never knew, maybe from Annesley in North Wales, Derek Jones or David Jones, possibly 3 brothers so far unable to track, also he was adopted and had an adopted sister... My other grandmother Margaret 'Peggy' Cairns (later married George Cannes) from Antrim in Northern Ireland never married my fathers dad... he seemed lost after the war around 1949-1950, Peggy or they both, left my father in Suffolk when he was about 2 years old, he was fostered never fully adopted, a very sad tale to tell really. A proud hard working man my father is, sometimes I wonder how he kept on going. My mother and father were only children so no aunties, uncles or cousins.
Much later things changed my father met my step mother bringing my wonderful sister into my life at just 3 year old the sweetest little cherub, and my closest dearest most loving family member ever. Then some years later my little sister was born in the same day as my birthday when I was 17, then a couple of years later we were blessed with my little brother George.
So basically after the shit went all wrong terribly wrong, some did start to go right kind of in the back ground for many years as of yet... tbh I believe the best was yet to come, and of course some bad , but probably not the worst as of yet... I have yet to find out.
Life...
Turn to page 1
Life is not fair
Ever want a chat ever want some advice then I'll try to help if I'm able to, a world of experiences has left me with varied understandings of multiple things, I'm not saying I'm always right for I know I strive to be but who ever truly can be
Auntie Abstract is here!
Make use of me while I'm still about!
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